You.

You, my love, are everything. You are my reason for waking up in the morning, the person behind my smiles all day. You are a miracle to watch. You are smart and kind, and you have a beautiful wonder behind your eyes. You have my heart. You deserve all the good in the world. You deserve the best of everything. But you’ve been dealt a difficult hand of cards, because you were born to a mommy who is forever sick. And that’s not fair for someone as special as you.

I’m sick, baby. Today was a perfect example. You were shinning and happy, holding my hand and leading me everywhere. I should have been beaming with joy just to spend the day with you. Instead, I was dissociative, distant, distracted, and above all depressed. I couldn’t stop thinking of the ways I’ve let you down. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I hate where we live, and how you deserve to live in a nicer home. I couldn’t stop thinking that if you had a better mommy you could be as happy as you should be.

I will be sick for the rest of my life. Which means as long as I’m your mom, I will also be sick. My sickness is tricky. It’s not a cough or a sneeze that some doctor can just medicate away. My illness lives in my brain. My illness makes simple tasks impossible, and makes me not like myself very much. My sickness makes me weepy sometimes, and cold others, even extremely happy some days. It makes my head hurt. Some days, mommy doesn’t know who she’ll be, and for me that’s scary. You don’t have to worry about me though, I’ll be safe, as long as you love me I’ll have the strength to pull through. But I won’t be on my best game some days.

No matter what happens with my sickness, however, it’s important for you to know this. I will always love you. You have brought me such joy in this time of being together. My illness does not change the way I will ever feel for you. If anything, it has brought my love for you to be stronger, because with you I see the light.

There were days before I didn’t want to push through and I would give up. I would surrender myself entirely to a darkness that was brewing inside of me. I didn’t have a reason for living. I still have days were I want to give up; but I never will. Because looking at you I can envision a future I thought I would never have, and just from your smile I feel a love I never thought I was worth. You have saved my life more times than I can count. Now it’s my turn to make sure you have an amazing life ahead.

I love you forever.

Mommy