If you follow my blog you’ll know a lot has happened recently for me;I went into an intensive outpatient program recently after struggling with blackouts and suicidal thoughts, to be discharged two months later. I have changed everything from diagnosis’s to medications. I am in an okay place right now;a place where a walk in the woods can drastically change my mood,my medications are working, but there’s still room for growth. My suicidal thoughts have faded to quiet whispers, and although I’m still struggling with memory loss, my blackouts aren’t as often anymore. I’m getting better, and feeling a lot better than I did before I went into my program.
But the truth is, although I feel better, I will forever be sick.
I think is one of the saddest realizations I’ve had since my mental health journey has began. And for the very first time, it’s really hitting me. Usually when I get to this place I quit my medications, quit therapy, and eventually the cycle of spiraling will repeat. However, this time I know I need to stay on my medications and in therapy, because as good as I may feel some days, I know my mental illness is still lurking. My mental illness will be lifelong.
I am chronically ill. This means that if I quit treatment, I am enlisting back into dark places in my mind, and that’s a reality that terrifies me.
I have talked before about battling a lifelong illness, and have said it with a brave face before. But this time, it’s really hit. I will never live a normal life naturally. I will always have to work hard to be successful and functional, I will always need to combat suicidal thoughts with positive ones. I will always have to work twice as hard to go throughout my day. My life will be tiring. At times, I need to remember that even the good can fade, and I may need to restart back at the beginning, and repair my head again.
As scary as this is…as scary as it is to think of blackouts and alters, to think of mood swings and suicidal ideation I find comfort in one thing. I’m not alone. There are other people battling this too. There are people I can look up to throughout this journey, and people I can help along the way. I have resources. I can call for help when needed. One thing has changed during this treatment, and it’s the knowledge that I’m not crazy. I just have a lot going on. My normal may not be everyone’s normal,but it is my reality. I decide what happens, and I’ve decided not to give up even when it would be easier to. I will be okay. Battles may be lost, but the war continues. And I think I can win.