I think of my husband, a former smoker, often having fits for nicotine. It’s in his blood; he has an addiction. And although he hasn’t smoked a cigarette in almost two years he still has daily urges to start smoking again. It’s part of him, his mind set. He could be having the greatest day ever, but in the back of his brain part of him is whispering for a cigarette. I think of my husband when I think of how I feel. This internal monologue he struggles with is the same way I struggle with suicidal thoughts.
I live with something known as suicidal ideation; an early stage of suicidal thoughts/tendencies/actions where I don’t want to die, but my mind thinks of reasons and whys to do so anyway. This means that I could just be walking down the street and randomly think I should jump in front of the car. I have no desire to do this, but this is where my mind goes. My mind wanders into dark places, and my thoughts dictate negative self images that I really don’t want to feel.
My head is filled with whispers; you’re not good enough, you’re not strong enough, the world is better off without you. Some days those whispers feel like screams. It’s a driving force that feels as though it’s ingrained in my blood. I am biologically suicidal. I don’t know the science behind it, but I’m sure it’s my screwed up brain chemistry causing these screwed up thoughts.
These suicidal thoughts present themselves in many ways; racing thoughts, slow melancholy thoughts, sudden overwhelming emotions. They stop me in my tracks every time. I want to find more beauty in life than this. I want to be happy. But these thoughts follow me everywhere I go. These thoughts linger and intrude, without permission.
It’s not normal to feel this way. The average person, a healthy person, does not feel this way (yet I know millions are living this way). Maybe it’s because of the stigma surrounding the world of mental health that we don’t speak out. But I’m tired of living this way in silence. I’m tired of having these passive suicidal thoughts on a daily basis and the world not knowing. I’m tired of being alone. I want to get better, not to silently suffer. I want to see brighter days. So I guess my first step is talking about it.
I don’t know if suicidal ideation is something that I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. But I know I will fight the best I can against them every day I can, because deep down I know my life is worth the suffering.