I’ve known for a while that bipolar wasn’t the proper diagnosis for me. Things weren’t adding up, just like when things weren’t adding up when a doctor told me I had ADHD. Parts of the diagnosis made sense, and did for a while, but it didn’t fit what was going on with me entirely. Being told I was bipolar was like wearing a sweater that fit well, but the sleeves were two feet too long. It didn’t feel right, it didn’t make sense, and it didn’t explain everything going on in my life.

I sat down a few weeks ago and made a list of things that were going on for me; extreme blackouts and memory loss (that weren’t alcohol/drug induced), not acting myself, crippling paranoia, intrusive/invasive thoughts that weren’t my own, punishing myself with food (not eating because of feelings of extreme guilt; not over weight, although I am struggling with my weight, but by not allowing myself to eat because I didn’t deserve that happiness). I talked to some people, and I realized that a lot of my PTSD and early childhood traumas had been skated over by a lot of therapists when I was growing up. I was adopted at 7, and experienced a lot of trauma before the age of 6. Therapists tended to just stick to current events; nobody had been willing to go into the past, so I never bothered to bring it up. It wasn’t until I was an adult, retelling my story, that I realized, fuck, this isn’t normal. 

I was hit with a few diagnosis’s growing up; PTSD, bipolar, RAD, ADHD, OCD. Symptoms fit, but upon doing research, I didn’t feel that this was accurate enough. Recently, with the help of my family and friends taking note on my behavior, I’ve been able to get a good list of symptoms, and realized a lot of my behavior/blackouts etc. start up after something I consider traumatic happened.

I really have to be honest; diagnosis has never really defined me. Yes, I talk diagnosis a lot, but that’s my job; to talk about my mental health and to help educate the public. But personally, it hasn’t defined me. It does, however hold some part of me, because it effects me daily. Diagnosis is also crucial to my treatment plan. It is scary to step out of this bipolar comfort shell, because it’s what I know, it’s what I’m familiar with. But it’s not part of me, or who I am. I will, as always, update you more as I learn more, and if I’m ever re-diagnosed again, I’ll tell you that update too. But I think with a re-diagnosis, I’d like to do a re-introduction.

Hi. I’m Taylor, and I have Dissociative Amnesia, Dissociative Personality Disorder, and I am on the Borderline Personality spectrum. And it’s time for me to get better.