Today marks the anniversary of my move from Massachusetts to Connecticut. This anniversary means a lot to me. It’s the anniversary of the end of my abusive relationship, it’s the anniversary of when I finally got help for myself. And it’s the anniversary of the beginning of my sobriety.
Three years and one day ago I was on mushrooms. I was using them, like I had been using them for three years prior, to dissociate from a situation. Although shrooms were my drug of choice, I was also popping any pills I could get my hands on, doing lines of molly on occasion, and drinking to excess.
I think back to why I started and it’s simple. My ex was a user and I felt pressure. At first it was a lot of doing drugs against my own will. But it grew to be a habit. I was taking pills with friends thinking it would enhance our time together. I was taking shrooms and putting myself in dangerous situations. I was drinking to the point of being black out drunk and losing many memories, not to mention waking up in situations I wasn’t aware I had put myself in. I was a party girl without the party. I was a mess.
Deciding to be sober didn’t come easy. I liked the way I felt intoxicated. I felt like I lived life more. The first few weeks of being sober were incredibly boring. But slowly, life started to be fun again. It’s not easy; it’s a lot of time questioning your reality and if it’s worth it. However, I fully believe you can spend your life sober and still lead a beautiful life.
Nowadays I still have a very occasional drink with friends (and I consider myself lucky to be able to do that, but I watch myself) and I am on board with legalizing medical marijuana. But the only drugs you’ll find me on are my prescriptions. I think it was really hard for me to understand that it wasn’t okay to take things not prescribed to you. I didn’t even realize the cocktails I was taking were life threatening (the more of me thinks it was a suicidal thing and I just didn’t care). I’ve learned more than anything else there is a major difference between medications and drugs. Medications are necessary to take to aide a situation and health matter. Drugs are just a crutch.
That being said, my past doesn’t define me. I’m prone to drug use as someone with a mental illness. I had weak moments, and I thought I was enhancing my weaknesses (when in reality I was enhancing my bad traits). Just because I used drugs to cope doesn’t mean I still do and doesn’t mean I’m bad. It means I had a weak moment, and made bad choices.
I’m happier and healthier sober. I’m glad I made the move, and I’m glad I’ve bettered my life. Being on drugs didn’t make situations more fun; drugs made situations messy, awkward, and made me make choices I never would have made in a right state of mind. Here’s to the three years I’ve been sober, and the many, many more years to come.